Why Do I Love You?
by Gatergirl79
Summary: Sam is dead. Dean is living with Lisa. Castiel is in heaven. But the hunter just can't seem to settle into a normal life as he pines away for a nerd angel. Thank you to Greeniron for informing me that there was a chapter missing. It has been fixed.
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER ONE

He sat on the hood of the Impala watching Sam. The boy was dancing around beneath a barrage of fireworks, talking to an invisible form that only he could see.

Castiel heaved a heavy sigh and hung his head. It had been only a matter of weeks since he'd left Dean with his grief, but it felt like an eternity and not for the first time Castiel felt the urge to go to him.

With his foot resting on the bumper of Dean's precious car, Castiel resting his head in his hand and listened to the happy laughter of Dean's kid brother. Remembering the promise he'd made, a promise to take care of Dean and Bobby. It had been said just before Sam had headed off to face Lucifer with the insane plan of saying yes, and then throwing himself and the fallen angel into the pit. But it hadn't exactly gone according to plan. He hadn't meant for the angel to keep promise any way, he'd told him to lie to him, it was a human moral thing meant to comfort Sam in his final moments.

But Castiel had wanted to take care of the two men, but when Dean had chosen to stop hunting he'd seen that as a path that he couldn't accompany him down. As for Bobby, well he kept a close watch over the aging hunter but the man didn't want him around, he'd thrown himself into his work and hadn't called for help once, though Castiel had given him some on occasion, without the man knowing. Bobby Singer was too proud a man to accept help unless he was truly desperate. Castiel thought that was why him and Dean got on so well.

Castiel's eyes took in the smile Sam was giving to Dean, who thankfully wasn't there to receive it. The boy had grown into a man now. One much stronger than any of them would have thought. Though it hadn't been simply Sam's will that had broken Lucifer's hold over him, it was the love of two brothers who stood beside each other when everything said they shouldn't. A love Lucifer and Michael could never contemplate or experience because they didn't know what it was to be human, to care for anothers life above your own. A love that would have you turn against everything you believed in to protect them.

The lights flashed above him and Castiel closed his eyes and thought of Dean. He understood, far more than he thought possible. He understood so much of what Sam and Dean shared. He'd watched over them through the best and worst of time and in just two mortal years he'd come to count them as friends. - If an angel was able to have friends.

But as much as he understood Sam and Dean... especially Dean... he didn't understand himself. He felt a bond with Dean he couldn't recognize in the ones he'd witnessed. It was very close to that of the brothers, but different in some way. It was close to that of Dean and Bobby but not. He just couldn't put his finger on what was different between them.

He lifted his eyes to the sky above him, the soft glow of earth and humanity in the distance. Even now with such a cosmic divide between them, Castiel could still sense Dean, his emotional turmoil, the unending grief over Sam's death even as Dean tried to carry out his own promise to Sam, by settling into a normal life with Lisa and her son. But no matter what Dean did Castiel could still feel that hole within him. One that was growing bigger by the day as Dean pulled further and further away from his life. Turning his back on the one thing he was born to do, Hunt. Turning his back on Bobby and even his baby, the Impala, was sat silent in a garage covered with a beige paint stained dustsheet. Dean had turned his back on everything that was his previous life and that included Castiel.

With his eyes still set in a soft stare at the world he had not visited in weeks and with Sam's laughter and words on repeat, the moment resetting itself to begin again. Castiel couldn't stop the pounding of blood in his ears and the realizations that Dean had left him rather than that he had left Dean.

The hunter hadn't spoken to Castiel since that fateful day, neither in thought or prayer and something in the angel's gut tightened painfully. They had been so close, even when Sam and Dean weren't in need of his help he still watched over them, on a few rare occasions he's heard Dean talking to him in his thoughts. Though he was sure Dean would never admit to doing so, or maybe he wasn't even aware of it. But it had been enough to give Castiel the sense that an intense bond had been forged between them the day he'd raise Dean Winchester from perdition.

That had been the turning point in all their lives - though none of them, especially Castiel, could have imagined where that single act would have brought them. He had been following orders, but that day had changed him as much as it had changed Dean and the course of humanity. He felt now, he doubted, he had lost his faith and regained it (though it was a little different)

And all of this had happened because of Dean Winchester and his screw-you attitude with his determination not to make the same mistake again and give into what those with power over him wanted.

He wished he had someone to explain these emotions to him, help him figure out what this strong bond was with Dean. Why he put the man above everything else, even on occasion his own father. But the only one who may have been able to help him was gone. Anna had gone from betrayed to betrayer and had paid the ultimate price for it thanks to Michael and Castiel was fully aware that he had had a part to play in Anna's betrayal of Sam and Dean, maybe if he hadn't been so eager to prove himself a good soldier who could follow the order of those above him, then maybe Anna wouldn't have resorted to trying to wipe out the Winchester family line, Dean included.

He still couldn't understand why she would do such a thing. He knew that Anna and Dean had shared... an intimacy... Before she had re-ascended to heaven and everything he thought he knew about being human said that what she had done was a betrayal of that intimacy.

He couldn't imagine doing something like that. Not to Dean. Maybe the punishment she had undergone had made her doubt that which she had previously been so sure of, humanity. She had fallen because of her love for them and her desire to be like them. At the time Castiel had no comprehension of why she would do such a thing, but after experiencing that world, being around humans, being around Bobby and Sam and Dean, he could see why she fell.

He was still contemplating these thoughts when he heard a voice, an all too familiar voice.

"Cas." Distant, distracted as if it hadn't really been said. But he knew it had been and by who. He would know that deep rough tone anywhere and his heart jumped at the mere hearing of his name.

Many called him Cas now, but none said it like Dean. He had been the first to shorten his holy name, though whether through laziness because he couldn't be bothered to say his whole name or whether because he instinctively felt the same bond Castiel did, he couldn't tell. But it didn't matter really, Castiel liked it, it made him feel like one of them.

He listened hoping to hear it again, his breath caught in his lungs as he waited, but nothing, just silent and he began to doubt he'd ever heard it at all.


	2. Chapter 2

_**CHAPTER**_ TWO

It had been over a month since Cas had inadvertently slipped into Dean's thoughts. He'd been helping Ben with his homework and something; he didn't know what exactly, had brought the angel to mind.

Now it seemed that he was never out of it. He was almost as constant a companion as his grief over Sam, who he didn't even seem to think of as much and was wracked with guilt over it. The truth was he missed the nerdy little angel, more than he'd care to admit.

He threw back the last of his Jack Daniels. He'd been drinking more and more of late; partly to take away the pain of losing Sam, but no matter how much he drank it was still there. He'd felt like this once before. When his returned from Hell had been haunted by the memories of what he'd done there.

Sam had tried everything to help him through it, even after he'd confessed his sins, but it didn't help all that much, Sam hadn't understood what he'd went through, what he'd done, and no matter what he said to the contrary, Dean knew Sam never looked at him the same way. There was always a shadow behind his eyes when they looked at him.

But then there was Cas. It seemed he was the only one in the whole world who knew what he'd done and didn't judge him for it, didn't blame him in any way. Didn't expect anything from him but that he did his best and followed his heart.

They had grown close over that first year and even close over the second. Dean found himself telling Cas things he couldn't even tell Sam or Bobby because he knew without a single doubt that Castiel: Angel of the Lord, as he had introduced himself that first night, would always listen, understand and not judge.

He even resorted to having those click-flick moments he hated so much on occasion. But it was alright for some reason. In fact Dean could probably say at least to himself, that his friendship with Cas was the only truly solid, stable thing in his life. It was as if he instinctively knew that when the shit really hit the fan, Cas above anyone, maybe even Sam, would never let him down.

There was a noise outside the window and Dean stood to look through the closed grey curtains. His hunters' instincts still on full alert even though he'd pack all that in to fulfill Sam last wish; that he have a normal life with Lisa and Ben. So he'd done just that.

He hadn't spoken to Bobby in months. The Impala, his baby, was wrapped up nice and warm in Lisa's garage, her boot cleared of all weapon. Except for the shot gun and holy water he still kept under Lisa's bed. He wasn't a complete fool.

Pulling back the curtain Dean saw nothing, only the dark and the few lights coming from the neighbors houses. But something in his gut told him there was something out there, watching from the shadows. Every muscle screamed for him to go out there and find the thing, but he'd made a promise to Sammy and he wasn't going to break it.

He turned back to the desk and took a seat once more. His thoughts going back to what he'd given up to keep his promise and once again a short blue eyes angel rushed to the front of his mind.

It was crazy how much Dean thought about Cas, especially when he'd gained so much. He had Lisa and Ben. A normal job. A normal house. A normal life…. But as much as he loved Lisa and Ben, he was finding it hard to live that normal life. To be without the family he'd built around him.

He couldn't do anything about Sam, short of making another deal and something told him; one Sam wouldn't be at all happy with him if he did that and two that not even Crowley had what it would take to spring Sammy from the cage.

Of course this train of through inevitable led back to Cas. The only creature in existence that could retrieve a soul from hell was an angel and Dean still had the mark to prove it.

But that simply brought up another problem; Dean hadn't seen or spoken to Cas in months. Dean was almost tempted to open his mouth and call for the angel then and there. Ask him if there was anything he could do to get Sam out of the cage, but he already knew what the answer would be. He'd look at him with those Bambi blue eyes and tell him there is nothing he could do. That saving someone from the pit is not as hard as pulling someone from the cage and that he didn't have the power to do that.

It seemed Dean knew Cas, almost as well as the angel knew him, and that was both terrifying and calming in the same instant.

Dean put down his empty glass and got slowly up from the desk chair with a sigh before heading up to bed. Popping his head around Ben's bedroom door just to check everything was okay, as he always did, before strolled into the bathroom. He needed a shower before getting into bed next to Lisa as he hadn't taken one when he had gotten in from working at the construction site.

So turning on the water Dean began to strip, pulling his gray t-shirt over his head he stood in front of the mirror for a second and looked at his left shoulder. The mark had faded with time, but the impression of a hand was still visible.

_Cas_ his mind said, almost sounding like a sigh to Dean's ears and he absently placed his hand over the mark. Not knowing what possessed him to do so, but he felt a kind of comfort from it. A comfort he hadn't felt since the day he'd lost everyone and everything he loved.

Castiel stood in the darkness with his arms hanging limply at his side, watching the house. He shouldn't have come, he knew that now. Seeing Dean and not talking to him just felt wrong, down in his gut. It was a discomfort that was almost painful. But over the past weeks Dean's voice had been haunting him, always there and always distant like it had that first day. He'd told himself it was better to stay away. That Dean needed to get settled into his new life without the reminder of what he lost and what he was giving up.

Besides he was having his own problems at the moment. Raphael was trying to take over heaven. Now that Michael was trapped in Hell with Lucifer and Sam, Raphael saw an opportunity to rise in the ranks and he was taking it. And of course Castiel was on the top of his list of angel that needed to be…. _Returned to bible camp_, as Dean would say.

But he'd found himself needing to see Dean, if only to make sure he was well, though he knew from the tone of his thoughts that he wasn't. He needed comfort and Cas hoped that his mere presence, even if Dean couldn't see him, would give him that comfort.

He watched Dean as he searched the dark. He knew someone was watching him and Castiel hoped he knew it was him. Dean closed the curtains leaving Castiel suddenly feeling berthed. Yet another emotion he couldn't understand.

They had been becoming more confusing over the last few months. Grinding at him because he had no understanding of what they meant and no one to turn to, to find out. All he knew was that he missed Dean more and more each moment. That he wanted to hear Dean cuss and tease and berate. Even wanted to hear the human cultural reference he never understood. He missed the freedom of being able to just drop in on him and sometimes catch him sleeping only for Dean to wake up and moan at him for watching.

Castiel noticed the light go off and knew he'd gone to bed and something tightened in his stomach. His hands involuntarily clenching closed. He remained at his post for another few minutes and was about to return home when he heard his name again as it always was part way between a sigh and a whisper. His gut tightened further and his heart jumped and then he was gone.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Lisa knew something wasn't right between them. Dean was distant, unsettled. Of course that was understandable; he'd just lost his brother and was adjusting to a normal '_civilian life'_ as he called it. But there was something else, something more. This wasn't the same man she'd had a hot and heavy weekend with eleven years ago. This wasn't the same man who had swept back into her life eight years later and saved her son from things she still couldn't quite believe were real. He wasn't even the same man who'd turned up on her doorstep five months ago to tell her that _"When he saw himself happy that it was with her" _and looking like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. He'd changed in a way far more fundamental than just the loss of his smart-aleck comments and flirtatious attitude. A light had gone out of his gorgeous hazel eyes.

When he'd returned having lost his brother Sam and begging for her to give him a home, she hadn't even hesitated. But as the weeks drew on Lisa could tell he wasn't happy, not completely. He was… content maybe, but far from truly happy. _Obviously the reality wasn't living up to the fantasy_. She thought, not for the first time. There was something missing in him, and she had a feeling it wasn't just Sam.

She watched him making Ben's breakfast while she drank her coffee. Soon they would all head off on their daily routine of work and school. He was smile and laughing with Ben. They shared a bond that scared Lisa sometime. Knowing that Dean had wanted Ben to be his son, but she'd never had the courage to confirm that fact, in fact she'd met him eye for eye and lied straight to his face, she still couldn't tell him, and probably never would.

Dean told a joke and laughed with Ben and Lisa once again saw the emptiness in his eyes. The smile that didn't quiet reached the corners. She wondered if anything could bring that bright charming smile back. Then she remembered she had seen it, over a month ago.

He'd been sitting helping Ben with his geography homework on the Middle East; in this instance Jerusalem. Out of the blue for no reason Lisa could think of she'd saw him smile. Really smile, his eyes lighting as if he was remembering something, something happy.

Since then she'd seen that smile brush briefly across his face before he forced it away.

Then there were their nights together. Even while they held each other close and kissed and touched and made love she couldn't shake the feeling he wasn't completely with her. If she didn't know better she could have sworn there was someone else. Someone he was trying desperately to forget but could quite get her out of his head. That idea made Lisa a little more than just jealous. Though he never said or did anything that would confirm her suspicions.

If Dean was in love with someone else, why wasn't he with her instead of forcing both himself and her, not to mention Ben, through this strained and not completely happy family life?

Ben's laughter caught her attention and she focused on the pair rather than her own thoughts and suddenly the reason came to her. Dean was here for Ben. He wanted to be the father he didn't know he was, but that instinct told him he could be.

She hadn't told Dean the truth three years ago to avoid this very thing. The whole _make an honest woman of you_ thing. She had been happy with it being just her and Ben. He hadn't needed a father. But then Dean Winchester had marched himself back into her life and she'd just let him in, falling in love with him all over again.

But he didn't love her. She could tell, not in the way she wanted. Not in the way she loved him and she wondered why she did. Why did she love Dean Winchester?

Castiel sat at the kitchen table, his elbows resting on its surface and his lips resting against his folded hands as Mary Winchester cut the crusts off sandwiches, a warm happy smile on her face, her voice light as she spoke to a child that wasn't there.

Castiel had been spending more and more time in heaven of late. Unable to control the urge he felt to be close to Dean and this was as close as he could allow himself to get. Walking through the personal heaven that awaited him when he died…. Again.

He'd started to notice a pain growing in his chest, though he couldn't comprehend why when you felt no pain in heaven, but yet there it was and it was getting worse. It was a constant fight not to return to earth, not to return to Dean.

He had forced himself to stay away since that night he'd watch the man from the darkness. It was just too hard to see Dean moving on with his life, turning into a different person, having a family, loving someone.

So Castiel had thrown himself into trying to convince the angels that they didn't have to follow Raphael. That they didn't need to start the insanity all over again. That it had been a mistake to ever try to force the will of god just because they wanted paradise.

But he was failing. Raphael's followers where stronger and many and he was being looked upon as just another fallen angel, like Anna before him, though none would call him so to his face. It was as if they feared something, though whether it was Castiel himself or God, none of them knew.

So Castiel sort solace here among Dean's memories in an attempt to feel the same peace, consolation and encouragement that he would get from the man himself.

The only problem was it wasn't working.

Mary ran her hand over Castiel's hair, mistaking him for Dean before walked away to answer the ringing phone. Castiel caught a breath and swallowed hard. Dean's love for his mother was heartbreaking. He had never gotten over her death, not like he had his fathers.

Would he get over Sam? Castiel doubted it because he blamed himself for Sam. As far as he was concerned he'd failed his kid brother and it hurt Castiel to know there was nothing he could do to help Dean. To heal the pain he could sense within him. Because there was nothing the angel wanted more than to heal Dean's pain.

Everything he'd ever done or would ever do was for Dean, from turning his back on heaven to standing toe to toe against Michael and Lucifer and paying the price for it. It had all been for Dean.

He listened to Mary talking behind him but didn't turn from his seat. His eyes fixed ahead of him as he remembered what he'd shared with Dean over the course of two years. Two short mortal years that to Castiel had felt like eternity.

They had argued, laughed, shared secrets and fought – so violently that Dean had been left unconscious for hours, but after there had been apologies and then everything was back to normal as if it had never happened. Dean forgave him and he forgave Dean.

The connection they share was beyond anything Earth or Heaven could grasp. They were like two halves of the same soul. That one moment of union in a place where Dean had done unspeakable things - he knew he could neither forget nor forgive himself for - had seared them together in a way not even a hunter and an angel could explain.

God had created angels to watch over humanity, to love them and Castiel did, more than he or any could believe. He saw their faults and their triumphs. But even though he loved humanity, he loved Dean more. Dean had given him all he could give, his trust and his loyalty… and even restored his faith when it had faltered, despite the fact that he had none of his own. And that was why Castiel loved Dean Winchester.

Dean lay awake early on a Saturday morning his hand running through his hair. He'd done it again. Dreamt of Cas. What was wrong with him? What was it that kept Castiel in his thoughts more than was natural? Even when he'd been having a nightmare of what Sam was going through in the cage, Castiel would always be there. Arriving on a metaphorical white charger to save his kid brother from hell. Handing the boy over to his keeping and giving him that shy smile he always did.

It was a sweet kind of smile, like Cas still hadn't gotten used to doing it, but there was something in it that showed in his eyes. It was a smile that warmed Dean as it showed that touch of humanity within his guardian angel.

He liked to think that he had something to do with that humanity. Cas had said that he'd learnt so much from Dean and it made he'd kinda proud, in a soul soring way.

Lisa shifted beside him and Dean once again pushed the thoughts out of his mind. He had to stop thinking about Cas. The angel seemed to be haunting him more and more of late, making him pine for the old days when he, Sam and Cas would go hunting for whatever monster was threatening the world that week. When he and Cas would have those precious private moments that not even Sam knew about. He wanted Team Free Will back together. But it was impossible. Sam was in hell. Cas was dealing with whatever angel's dealt with in heaven and he was trying desperately to fulfill his promise to his brother. To live that normal apple pie life, even if it meant turning his back on the closest thing he had to a father and his best friend in the world.

Lisa smiled up at him sleepily and he returned it, though he knew it didn't reach his soul. He hadn't really smiled in months. Not since he'd lost everything and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't quite feel…. Happy. But he would keep trying, in time he'd settle into this life, it was just that it was all still new to him.

Beside he love Lisa and Ben and they were his family now. It was just that there was something missing in his gut. A hole that he hadn't felt since that year his father had died. A hole he didn't think anything would ever fill again because the only people that did where out of his reach.


	4. Chapter 4

_**CHAPTER**_ FOUR

Dean stood in the garage beside the blanketed Impala and stared down at the metal trunk on the floor. He hadn't meant to come in here; he hadn't meant to be standing over the trunk with sweaty palms and the keys resting heavily in his pocket, but something had pulled him in. Like an undeniable urge to do what he hadn't done since he'd locked that trunk up six months ago.

With a deep breath Dean lowered himself down in front of the footlocker and pulled the key out of his pocket, sliding it into the lock and turned. The metal popped with a rushed click and Dean nervously removed it so he could get at the contents.

He knew what he was looking for and he felt like an idiot even as his heart race. He lifted the lid. The sudden smell of salt and gunpowder hitting his senses. He pulled the top layer of the box away and found his journal. Not his fathers but his. He'd been keeping one for years and as like everything about Dean; it was identical to his fathers. Except for much of its contents.

Sammy had only seen it on a few occasions but had never read it. He'd only pulled it out when the occasion called for it or when he was sure he was alone.

It wasn't that it was a secret, he wasn't a girl and this wasn't his diary but there were a few things that were somewhat private. Girls phone numbers for example. He smiled to himself as he pulled at the leather tongue that held the thing closed.

There were photos, of Sammy, of their Mom and Dad.

He flicked through the pages until he found what he'd come here to see. He still could understand what had possessed him to one; take the thing in the first place and two; be sitting here staring at it.

But there it was in all its black and white glory. A photo that shouldn't even exist.

He hadn't meant to bring it back with him. In fact he'd forgotten it had even been in his pocket until two weeks later when he'd found it while doing laundry.

The worn photograph of a future that Sammy had changed. A world where Sammy had said yes but hadn't had the strength to take control. A world where Bobby was dead. A world that had end because of that damn Croatoan virus… a world where his best friend wasn't an angel any longer, but an stoner with a worse dress sense than he had now, who slept around almost as much as Dean did, without a care and took drugs to come down.

That Cas hadn't been his Cas. Though he liked him in a way, it was nice to see that he'd chilled out just a bit but it had been almost painful to see him turn into….. Himself.

Cas was better than him. Dean thought. And it wasn't right that he'd become that man. He was supposed to be the sensibly one in their relationship. The one that would look at Dean and shake his head when he did something he didn't approve of. He was the one who was meant to be completely terrified of the opposite sex while Dean took every opportunity to have some fun.

And that had been why the moment he'd set eyes on _his_ Cas again he'd told him to never change and Cas had smiled at him and put Dean at easy.

Dean looked down at that photo now and still couldn't fathom why he'd taken it. He held it between his thumb and fingers and stared at the people in it. All but two he didn't even know, but his eyes rested for a moment of Bobby and he thought he really needed to call the old fart just to see if he's alright. He hadn't spoken to him in months. Dean felt his throat close as that bad-son-failer feeling took hold. Bobby may not be his actually father, but he was the only one he had.

Then his eyes settled on Cas and his throat grew even tighter. Another person he'd turned his back on. His heart seemed to jump and his gut tightened as he looked at the scruffy man in the photo, so unlike his Cas except for the smile and warm gaze that Dean had never seen him give another person, not Sammy or Bobby, not even Anna or Uriel.

Dean clenched his jaw and cursed in his head. What the fuck was wrong with him. Had he somehow turned into a girl in the past six months? He angrily dropped the photo back into the journal, dropped the journal into the box and after replacing the top tray he slammed the lid down with a crash, flinching at the sound. Snapping the lock back into place he threw the dustsheet over it and stood. Turning he meet the curious gaze of Lisa as she stood in the door frame staring at him.

"You ok?" she asked

"Sure." Dean smiled with that flirty charming smile he always gave. Completely unaware that it didn't reach his eyes. "You looking for me?"

"No." she replied coolly. "Just… heard a bang and came to see what it was."

Dean looked guiltily down at the box. "I was just… looking for a screwdriver." He walked over to the tool chest and pulled out the tool. "Here we go."

"What's that for?"

Dean smiled and met Lisa's eyes. "Sid needs it."

The lies just came so easily to Dean, but then he'd spent his whole life lying one way or another. She knew that much. He'd told her a little about his life but not everything. She was pretty sure he hadn't even scratched the surface. He told her only what he wanted her to know. Nothing that truly matter. Like that burn mark on his shoulder, the one in the shape of a hand print. He had never told her where that came from or how he'd gotten it and every time she brought it up his eyes would cloud over with a kind of sadness and he change the subject. He covered it all the time, even in bed and when she had touched it he'd flinch like it was painful though it clearly wasn't.

So she'd stopped asking….. About everything.

"Okay." She said, lowering her eyes.

Dean walked over to her. "Maybe we could go out tonight?" He was trying again. As he always did when he realised he was failing to keep his promise.

"Aren't you going out with Sid and the guys from work?" Lisa said looking up though her lashes.

"Oh…" Dean had forgotten that. One of the guys was getting married and it was his bucks' night. "I could cancel?"

"No. you go." She sighed. "Me and Ben where planning on watch a movie anyway." She smiled tightly and turned to leave.

Dean looked down at the screwdriver and cursed himself an idiot. Like Sid didn't have one of his own. He groaned. Why hadn't he just told her the truth, that he was taking a trip down memory lane.

Because Lisa didn't practically care for his memory lane, it was a rather dark, frightening and dangerous one. And plus part of Dean didn't want to have to explain just who lived there.

He looked over at the box and noticed something poking out from beneath the dustsheet. Strolling over he bent down to pick it up and swallowed at the small column of photo-booth pictures that had obviously fallen out of his journal.

He couldn't help the smile that sped across his lips as he looked down at them. The top two in particular always made him laugh. They'd been taken when Dean had had to fake an FBI ID for Cas while they were looking for Raphael. He'd forced the angel into a photo-booth and told him to "_sit still and don't smile_." Which in Cas's case was really much of a possibility.

Cas had asked why they were doing this but Dean had just told him to sit still again and wait. It hadn't occurred to him to warn Cas about the flash. So when the bulb when off Cas had blinked. It had taken two goes for Cas to keep his eyes open, staring blindly into the light. When he'd come out of the booth he could barely see and stumbled into Dean as he waited for the photos to develop.

He'd put out his hand to steady him and laughed. Teasing him relentlessly, especially when he'd seen the photos. Cas's face crushed up like a new born baby's. He'd slapped the angel on the shoulder and asked if he wanted to keep one.

_ "Why?"_

"_As a souvenir." _

"_Why?"_

Dean had sighed, shook his head, ripped off the last photo and placed the others in his pocket. Which was where they'd stayed for months.

Looking at the photos again now he half expected himself to put it back in the box with his others, but instead surprised himself by slipping it into his pocket and leaving the garage, an unneeded screwdriver in his hand.

Lisa knew she's caught Dean out, she just didn't know what in. He was clearly hiding something, something in that trunk, something he didn't want her to see. Every instinct in her wanted to go back in there and find out. With or without Dean's permission, but then a little voice told her she was being paranoid. Dean was not having an affair and even if there was someone in his past he was trying to forget, he was with her, he'd chosen her and Ben.

But that distance between them was growing wider though they both tried to ignore it and Lisa wondered just how long they could?


	5. Chapter 5

_**CHAPTER**_ FIVE

Castiel had come to a conclusion, he needed someone to talk to, someone who could understand both him and Dean because they'd shared in what they had; at least part of it anyway.

So he left the Impala where it was, speeding driverless down an open highway and arrived outside a beautifully constructed house that he'd stood outside of three years ago, where this whole thing had started.

He knew what awaited him inside and wasn't sure he truly wanted to face the man within. To stand face to face with the soul whose body he now inhabited. But he needed to talk to someone and the only person that understood him, other than Dean was Jimmy. So with a deep breath Castiel took the first few steps and took a breath before entering the house uninvited.

From the décor of the house it was Christmas. He looked around and saw a large tree decorated in gold and red, a large pile of presents beneath it. The room was warm and filled with a soft light from a fireplace that burned across the room.

He listened, not moving as the sound of the fireplace filled his ears. He realised that even though he had been with Dean for almost two years they hadn't really shared a Christmas. They had had more important things on their minds over that time. Something tugged at Castiel heart.

He was still staring at the tree when he heard footsteps behind him, and laughter and a small child's excited voice. He stepped aside as the three years blonde girl rushed past him, swiftly followed by a woman with similar hair and a warm smile on her face. Castiel watched them as she dropped to her knees beside the tree. The mother and daughter laughing as Amelia started to pull out wrapped boxes.

A male voice that Castiel recognized as a lighter version of his own called out behind him. "Don't start without me." Then he was there. Running in from the hall and coming to a shocked halt before Castiel. His eyes wide as if seeing a ghost. Everything seemed to freeze and the two sets of matching blue eyes stared at each other. It was similar to looking in the mirror except you couldn't control what the reflection was going to say or do.

"Cas?" Jimmy asked with breathless surprise. His head turned to the left to look at his family who were sat beside the tree continuing on with a conversation he was meant to be a part off.

It was their first Christmas after Claire's health scare and they were making the most of it. In fact it had to go down in history as one of Jimmy's best moments in his life after meeting Amelia and Clair's birth.

"I thought you... we..." he didn't know how to put his question into words. The last thing he remembered was standing face to face with a very very angry archangel then nothing until now.

And it was kind of freaking him out as he watched himself talk, hearing a deeper rough tone to his own voice. "Raphael killed us... me... But the Lord brought me back and gave me this form." Castiel looked down at Jimmy's body that was now his own.

"Why?"

Castiel couldn't answer that. There was no explanation as to why he was still alive after not one but to fatal meetings with archangels, let alone within this man's form, instead of being force to find another vessel, and if Castiel was honest he didn't really care. So he simply shrugged his shoulders and stood silently staring at Jimmy.

"Ok, so your alive and in... my body..." that was uncomfortable enough. "So what are you doing here?"

"I needed to talk."

Jimmy frowned. "Talk? - To me? - About what?... I don't want back in Cas."

Castiel shook his head. "No, you've done your part Jimmy, now you are at peace." he said in that angel, holier than thou tone he used to always use.

Jimmy glared at him. "So then what are you doing here?" he demanded.

"I need to talk."

"About?"

Castiel was silent for a long while. Not knowing how to put what he needed from Jimmy into words. "Feelings." he said finally.

Jimmy looked at him strangely. "Feelings? - Cas? - Feeling about what?" he was becoming a little uncomfortable with the course this conversation was taking, cause he had a very bad feeling just what... Or more precisely who the angel was talking about. He had lived with him for a year, shared everything, thought and doubt, fights and emotions... and there was one thing Jimmy knew for sure. Cas didn't understand any of it.

Castiel looked at the floor for a long moment. "I... I can't seem to... I keep feeling this... urge."

_Oh my dear lord_. Jimmy thought. He so didn't need to hear this. It was disturbing enough to know that Cas was still living in his body, without now having to contemplate what he'd been doing with it since that day in Chuck's kitchen.

It had made him truly uncomfortable having to watch from the sidelines while that bond was forged. Watching through his own eyes, unable to speak or do anything while Castiel walked around wearing his meat suit - as Dean had put it on more than one occasion - and feel the struggling, conflicting emotions tumbling around inside the angel

"Cas I... really don't think this is... that this has anything to do with me any longer." Jimmy said nervously.

"You're the only person I can talk too. - The only one who understands what..."

Jimmy wanted to through his hands of his ears and hum very loudly, but didn't.

"…What it's like to have emotions." Cas finished.

Jimmy shifted on his feet, unsure what to do about any of this. He glanced over at Amelia and Claire and smiled. Cas had kept his promise and protected his family when they were all in danger, the least he could do was help the angel deal with his confusion, even if it did mean thinking about things he'd rather not think about.

"Okay Castiel..." he turned towards the dining room. "I take it this is about Dean?" he asked as calmly as he could, though his stomach was doing summersaults.

It wasn't that he was homophobic but this was his body we were talking about here and although he had no need of it in heaven, he was still connected to it and to Cas in a strange kind of way.

He took his seat at the head of the dinner table and Castiel took the seat to his left where Claire would sit. The angel sat stiffly with his hands resting nervously in his lap while Jimmy lent his elbows on the surface of the table and waited to hear what Cas need to say.

"Yes... this has to do with Dean."

Castiel told his vessel everything that had happened since Chuck's kitchen. About Sam's death and about Dean settling into a new life with this Lisa woman and all the while Jimmy just sat there saying nothing but understanding everything.

After all he'd lived thought that first year with Castiel, from the moment he'd walked into that abandoned barn to meet Dean Winchester, though the lies and betrayals. He's witnesses the bond between the angel and the hunter. He's seen that look in Dean's eyes when he'd arrived at the warehouse to find Cas gone and him in his place. It was the same look he'd seen in his grandmothers eyes when she looked at his grandfather after the Alzheimer'shad taken hold of the aging man. It was a look of knowing the person you cared for was gone and may never come back. Though he was sure that Dean hadn't even realised he'd done it.

When Cas had finished telling him everything including this urge he had to be near Dean, that he found comfort in the man's idea of heaven and that he couldn't seem to get rid of a pain in his chest. Jimmy sat silently unsure how to even begin to explain to an angel who had no concept of sexuality outside the basic biology class stuff that what he was feeling was love.

Not the angelic _'love your fellow man_' kind, but the human; two people meant to be together kind. He couldn't even begin to tell Castiel that.

And with so many conflicting ideals in the universe about what was right and wrong, Jimmy worried how Castiel would react, would he embrace the purity of what he felt for what it was, two souls that had found that rare connection so many spent their lives searching for, or would he be ashamed of himself and what he was?

Jimmy looked into his own blue eyes, tinted with confusion and saw what he had always known. Castiel was merely a warm, loving, compassionate soul trapped within Jimmy's body, and that was not enough to keep him from loving anyone…. man or woman.

So he took a breath that was well needed and told the angel in as clear as terms as he could that he was in love with Dean Winchester….


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX

Dean sat at one of the small tables in the strip club not paying much attention to the half-naked women on stage. Opposite him was his co-worker and neighbor Sid. The pair of them feeling out of sorts but putting on a brave face a red-head flaunted herself before them.

The other guys where having a whale of a time, laughing, making crude jokes at their friends expenses and Dean remembered when he would have been just like them, in fact he'd been worse. But that had been another thing to have changed when he'd made that promise to Sam.

No it had changed before that, Dean realised, He hadn't really been the same fun-loving ladies' man he'd been since his return from hell. There had been a short while just after he'd gotten his freedom when he'd tried to fall back into his old ways, but he just didn't seem to have the same need for female attention as he once had. In fact except for that night of hot and heavy with Anna almost two years ago, Dean couldn't remember having any conquests at all. It just seemed not to interest him, though he had tried hitting on Jo the night before they went into Carthage, but – he thought fondly – they had both known it was never going to happen.

He and Jo had just moved passed that point in their relationship where casual sex was on the cards and had become more like buddies… family. Hell it wasn't even like he'd really desired Anna, both instances been one of those _'might be the last night of our lives'_ kind of things. He'd been lonely and feeling the strain of what he'd been through for months before had.

In Anna's case, he'd still been angry with Sam over Ruby and he guessed he needed comfort and she was offering. It hadn't been a love connection, it hadn't been till death us do part. It had been sex for sex sake, and though it had been enjoyable it hadn't been soul stealing. It had been just another empty one night stand, and he'd felt that same empty feeling afterwards.

What had made it worse was the look he'd received from Cas the next morning. That shy embarrassed '_I'm disappointed in you look',_ Which had only made matters worse considering that he'd set the angel and his pit-bull up to have a face to face-off with Alastair and him minions.

Of course he hadn't intended for Cas to get hurt, and at the first sign of the angel being in real trouble he'd stepped in, putting his own neck back on the chopping block. Though he had no idea why, after all the angel had been ordering him around like some kind of bitch for weeks. _'Do this Dean'_, _'Do that Dean'_. It would have been so easy to stand back and let Alastair send him back to heaven… but he couldn't. - It was Cas.

"Dean? You alright?" Sid asked pulling him from his thoughts.

"Yeah. I'm fine. – Sorry miles away."

Sid frowned at him with concern. "You've been like that a lot lately. – Is everything alright with you and Lisa?"

"Sure we're fine." He didn't sound practically convincing even to his own ear.

"You sure?" Sid frowned.

"I'm sure." Dean threw back the last of his beer and waved at a semi-naked waitress for another round.

When the young blond waitress arrived smiling flirtatiously as she placed the beers on the table giving Sid a wink, Dean couldn't have stopped the memory flashing into his mind even if he'd expected it and put up a fight.

A terrified face sitting across from him, eyes as wide as saucers, sweat beading on his brow as he looked anxiously around the brothel at the half naked women. In hind-sight maybe taking Cas to a place like that was such a good idea. He was clearly not that type of guy. But it had turned out to be one of the best nights of his life. In fact he'd probably say that weekend was on par with some of the most enjoyable and memorable he'd ever had.

It was one of the few moments that didn't involve his brother, parents or bobby. Cas had just been so much fun that weekend, though he'd never admit it to the angel himself. From the incident in the photo-booth to sitting around in the hospital room of an abandoned vessel waiting for an archangel to turn up, even though they had known the bastard would wait until they looked defenseless. That guy had been such a dick and Dean had been proud when Cas had stood up to him. He'd seen a different side to Cas that night. A stronger side, after that he'd looked at Cas just a little bit differently, with a tad more respect and feeling, because after that night, Cas wasn't just a prissy angel who followed the rules, he was a man who could have a give them hell attitude when it was called for. A guy after his own heart.

Of course it hadn't occurred to him at that time that he'd end up on the receiving end of that attitude, but then he'd deserved that beat down and it was a hell of one. But it hadn't cut him as deep as the disappointment he'd seen in Cas's eyes the morning after when he'd told him he didn't have faith in him. Now that had hurt.

"Dean?" Sid repeated once again breaking into Dean's thoughts about Cas and irritating him.

It wasn't that someone had had the cheek to interrupt him while he was taking a stroll down memory lane; it was that he'd been doing it again. Think of Cas. He was always thinking of Cas and it infuriated him. He couldn't understand it, nor the desire he constantly had to see him again, talk to him, tease him and what made things doubly confusing was that it hurt to know he couldn't.

With a frustrated silent groan he forced all thoughts of Castiel out of his head and was determined to stop pinning away for him, like some love-sick teenager. Things had to change. He was with Lisa and Ben. Sam was dead. That part of his life was over and that meant letting go of everything…. including Castiel.

Of course that's easier said than done. Like saying you're going to stop drinking or smoking. Alright in theory but what do you do when the craving becomes too much to bear.

Three days later Dean was practically climbing the walls. He'd forced himself to stop thinking about '_he how shall remain nameless'_ and whenever he did happen to stray into his thoughts Dean would find something to occupy him. Fixing the broken fence, tuning the truck, teaching Ben how to tune a truck anything to keep that…. _person_ out of his mind. And when physical labor didn't work there was always drink.

Lisa stood at the laundry room window with the basket resting on the machine. She could see Dean from where she stood as he mowed the back lawn to within an inch of his life. There was something wrong with him. He'd been snapping at her and Ben, though he always apologized after and said he'd had a bad day at work or was just tired.

He'd been drinking more and more too. Mainly late at night or when there was no work for him to do around the house. He was avoiding something, though she knew it wasn't her. He'd made that perfectly clear over the last few mornings with his early morning wake-up call that left her smile and him…. Silent. She knew that there was something he didn't want to face and drink and sex were his way of hiding from it.

His entire attitude and behaviour of late reminded her of something…. But she couldn't put her finger on what it was - at least not until she rummaged through one of Dean's shirt and found a folded column of photos.

Lisa frowned as she opened them up and looked at the image inside. It was a guy. A rather cute guy with windswept dark hair and from what she could see in the final photo catching blue eyes. It wasn't Sam, he'd met him and he didn't match the description of either Bobby or Dean's father, so she had to wonder who he was? And why was Dean carrying his picture around with him?

Something knotted in her stomach and her eyes shot up to stare out at Dean. His bad moods, his drinking, the sex, it suddenly occurred to her what it reminded her of… Her best friends break-up. When Penny had broken up with her long-term boyfriend she'd been determined to move on without giving herself time to get over it. She's starting hanging out at clubs and bars and going home with whatever guy came along, she'd drank to forget and she snapped at anyone and everyone around her. She threw herself into any activity just so that she didn't have to face the pain of the break-up or think about him.

Lisa stared wide eyed out of the window, her mouth gaping. Surely not. Not Dean. Dean was - well Dean. Lady killer extraordinaire. Lisa had no illusions about the kind of man Dean Winchester had been before he'd turned up on her doorstep. She's seen him in action. No woman stood a change when Dean set his eyes on her, hell she was living proof of that.

She looked down at the photos again, turning it over in her hand, her eyes wide with confusion and shook. There was no way Dean was… gay. He just couldn't be. She'd know. But then why was he carrying a picture of a guy around in his pocket? A guy who wasn't his brother or father… hell she'd even understand if it had been Bobby, but it wasn't any of them, it was a guy who looked decidedly well maintained.

Lisa shook her head, she was being irrational. Dean _wasn't_ gay; they'd only had sex that morning. Her stomach turned over again and her mind started whispering that she had suspected he was keeping a secret. That he'd been cagey about the past few years since they had last met. That he'd been jumpy when she'd walked in on him in the garage. That he was distant in a way that he hadn't been previously and all these things she'd put down to grief over his brothers death, but what if there was more to this new determination to live a '_normal life'_

With shaky hands she shoved the photos back into the shirt pocket and dropped it back in the basket. She was in no mood for laundry now. This was just too much to take in.


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN

"Lisa!" Dean called as he walks into the kitchen, frowning for an instant when there no reply. "She must have gone out." Though it was unusual for her to leave without saying goodbye. But maybe she had done and he just hadn't heard, he scolded himself. He'd been so caught up in the lawn and trying to think of anything but ….. What he didn't want to think of.

As he strolled through the kitchen on course to the shower, he passed the laundry and noticed that the washing machine is still switched on. Dean paused and frowned, it was odd for Lisa to leave without turning it off and she was such a stickler for things like that. Worry crossed his mind but then common sense brushed it aside, if something had happened she would have come to get him. He looked up at the shelf over the machine and noticed the detergent bottle was almost empty and smiled. _So that's where's so gone_.

With a shrug of his shoulder he walked in the compact room, marched over to the machine and turned it off, as he turned to leave his gaze caught on his shirt in the basket, more importantly on the corner of the photo poking out of the top pocket. He'd complete forgotten it was in there. After the bucks night he'd come home determined to put everything behind him and hadn't bothered taking the photo out and replacing it to his journal. He figures he should before Lisa saw it and started asking questions again. Questions he didn't want to answer.

Lifting the navy blue shirt, he pulled the photos free, gritted his teeth resolutely, he wasn't going to look at them. _He wasn't!_ So slid them into his jean pocket before carrying on upstairs. He'd put them away later, he told himself.

Once he was in the bathroom he began to strip. Ripping the sweat drenched t-shirt up over his head and tossing it to the tiles beside him. Then he stood looking at himself in the mirror – not for the first time – his eyes drifted to the faded hand mark on his shoulder and his heart seemed to do that thing again. But as always Dean pushed his reaction aside, he didn't want to analyze what it meant, he didn't want to face the fact that he'd only felt it once before… six years ago when receiving a voicemail from his ex-girlfriend, Cassie. It hadn't occurred to him that his ex's shared similar names.

Dean's stomach churned at the thought. _Ex! What the fuck…. Cas wasn't an ex… Cas was his friend… and more importantly he was a guy!... _Dean just didn't swing that way, though on more than one occasion people had assumed he did.

Even as he was rebuking himself for such a ridiculous thought, his palm drifted up to the scar. He could feel the buzz humming through him again, that strange feeling that was always there, that connection that went beyond anything he could explain. Cas had said once that there was a connection between an angel and his vessel and Dean had wondered if that connection could also apply to them.

Though Dean wasn't Cas's vessel, the angel had pulled Dean from the pits of hell, that had to leave something more than this scar on his flesh.

He was trying desperately to rationally explain what he'd been feeling of late…. Hell who was he kidding; want he'd been feeling for a lot longer than a few months. - He couldn't put his finger on when it had started, but at some point Cas had become as important to him as Sam, taking up a potion right next to his kid brother in that place that no-one but Sam occupied, not even his parents.

Dean reached round and pulled the photos from his pocket and despite his best efforts couldn't stop himself from look at them. He sighed as he stared at the final photo, looking at a pair of big blue eyes staring back at him. His heart was pounding and his palms felt moist and his head left like there was a weigh rolling around inside it.

And he was angry… at himself, at Cas, at everything. This wasn't the way his life was meant to be. He wasn't supposed to be alone. His brother wasn't supposed to be trapped in a pit of despair with two warring archangels….. and most of all he wasn't supposed to be craving for his best friend, not when he had a sexy, sweet, kind woman like Lisa in his life, yet that's just what was happening here.

Dean heaved a heavy sigh knowing there was nothing he could do about his life. Even if he could see Cas again and was able to sort out just what was going on in his head, he'd made a promise to Sam, one he intended to keep no matter what.

Dean slid the photo back into the back pocket of his jeans and raised his head to once again look in the mirror…. And got the shock of his life.

"Hello Dean." Said that calm, resolved, deep voice that he'd missed these past few months.

Dean spun around to meet those same blue eyes he'd been staring at in the picture, his insides fighting between joy and fury. "Dude!" he snapped breathlessly, his heart racing for more reason that he cared to think on right now. "What are you doing here?"

Cas stared at him for a few minutes, his heads slightly tilted to the side in that way he seemed to do, that always gave Dean the feeling the angel was reading his thoughts or something. _'I bloody well hope not'_. The last thing he needed was to have Cas think he'd lost the plot as well.

Taking a deep breath Dean composed himself and put on his game face, he rolled his eyes and forced a frown even though inside he wanted to smile. "A little warning next time dude…. I could have been naked or something."

Cas met his eyes, his own narrowing and Dean thought he saw something he recognized but didn't want to name cloud them, but then Cas had looked at him that way before… tons of times. It was just Cas being Cas.

Now Dean knew he'd lost it. It wasn't bad enough that he was crushing on his best friend, now he was thinking his best friend, an angel no less, was crushing on him.

"You seem upset." Cas said blandly.

Dean looked down at him, for a short guy he could be rather intimidating, and why did he always have to stand so bloody close? He could practically feel the man's body heat. "Cas man, if I have to tell you again about the personal space thing, I'm going to have to take matters into my own hands." Suddenly there where thoughts running through Dean's mind that he really didn't need to be there and had no idea where on earth they had come from but they were vivid enough to make him catch his breath and… _was he blushing? God dammit!_

"My apologies." Cas said stepping back.

Dean breathed a sigh of relief as air was able to pass between them again, but for some reason he also mourned the loss of Cas's proximity. It had been so long since he's seen him. He angrily shook his head trying to clear out these totally unwelcome thoughts, repeating to himself over and over _'I don't swing that way.'_

"You always say that…" Dean grumbled. "And yet we go through this every time you pop in unannounced.

Cas didn't reply to Dean barb. He was too busy staring at him. His eyes drawn to his branded mark… or maybe it was the muscle beneath that drew Cas's gaze.

Ever since his talk with Jimmy, Cas had been feeling rather uncomfortable within his skin. He hadn't argued when Jimmy pointed out what he called '_blatantly obvious feeling_'. Even though it had meant that Cas had fallen further than anyone had thought. He was now no better than Anna or the others that had fallen out of a desire for humanity, and there had been many. Each had received the same penalty, a death sentence. Now Cas was one of those fallen.

But even as he knew that, he couldn't help but feel like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He told himself that he hadn't fallen out of his desire for Dean; he'd fallen because of Dean… Because Dean had given him something he lacked, even in heaven…. Faith. - Faith in himself, in humanity and in God.

If it hadn't have been for Zachariah ordering him to go after Dean he would have stayed a loyal soldier of God, never doubting, never questioning, never knowing what it was truly like to feel love.

It hadn't been a choice or an order. He didn't love Dean because God told him he must; he loved him because it was natural to do so.

But there was one problem… no matter what he felt; Cas knew Dean didn't feel the same.

Of course Jimmy had tried to tell him otherwise, but Cas knew Dean. He would never see him like that… Dean desired women, not men, and Cas was very much a man at present. Jimmy had been understanding, if a little insistent that the pair of them shared a profound bond that bridged the gap between genders.

For a while after, Cas had played with the idea of finding a new vessel, but he like the one he had and Jimmy had given up so much, including his life when he'd allowed him in, Cas thought it would be an insult to the man and disrespectful to abandon it just so he could give Dean what he desired in a mate.

So here he was, the same _man_ he had been when he'd left Dean six months ago, if a little more enlightened and with a new weight pressing down on his shoulders.


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER EIGHT

"So I say again…" Dean said trying to get his heart to stop pounding in his chest. "What are you doing here?"

"I thought you needed me." He said, his eyes dropping to stare at the floor.

"If I had needed you, I have called…. Though I doubt you'd get any cell reception up stairs." Dean joked.

"I do not need cell reception any more Dean… if you need me all you have to do is call me."

"And you'll be there in a hurry and I won't have to worry?" Dean smirked and laughed at Cas's blank expression. He'd missed that. The man's completely vacant look whenever he made a cultural reference. He didn't even know why he did it when he knew Cas would never understand, but then maybe he did it so he'd get to see that look.

Dean sighed and turned back to the mirror. "I'll keep that in mind Cas. – But I don't think I'll need you," he sighed regretfully. "..in case you hadn't noticed I'm not hunting anymore. I promised Sam I was through with that life and I intend to keep that promise."

Cas stood still behind Dean in silence for a few long moments, watching the curve of his bare back as he leant over the basin. The flesh pulled tight over his back muscles and then said in a very quiet voice. "If you are sure Dean… then I won't trouble you again."

"Wait Cas…" He shot around, a desperate feeling clawing at his gut at the idea of Cas just vanishing on him. "You're leaving?"

"If you do not need me Dean, then there is no reason for me to stay."

"Yeah, but…." He folded his arms over his chest and leaned back against the sink as casually as he could. "…Well I haven't spoken to you in ages…" now he felt like a complete idiot… no like a schoolgirl trying to cling on to more study time with the school hottie…. _What the fuck was wrong with him! _

"You have been rather preoccupied Dean - as have I."

He smiled. "Yeah… How goes it in 7th heaven?"

Another blank look as Cas turned back to meet Dean's gaze. "Raphael is… how you'd say '_making waves_' – He is planning something."

"What?" Dean asked intrigued.

"I do not know. – I am not exactly among his entourage."

Dean smirked at Cas's choice of words. It seemed the angel had picked up a lot from his time on earth than his tastes for strong liquor and white castle burgers.

"So it wasn't a happy home coming then?" Dean asked sobering.

"No. – I – Have had to face many trials." The angel looked sorrowfully at his shoes, his shoulders hunched forward just a fraction though his spine was as straight as it always was.

"Cas? – Cas, are you alright?"

The angel didn't move, didn't speak, didn't meet Dean's questioning gaze.

"Cas, look at me. Talk to me. – What's wrong?"

Castiel looked up through his dark lashes in silence. He wanted to tell Dean everything. They were friends. He'd never hesitated to tell him the truth before.

"Raphael wants to take over heaven."

"Why?" Dean asked though he had a terrible feeling in his gut as to what the answer might be.

"He wants to end the story the way it was written." Castiel told him with a defeated tone to his voice.

"What! – But how… Michael and Lucifer are trapped, there's no way he can…."

"If Raphael takes over heaven he will find a way to break Lucifer and Michael free…."

"And start this shit all over again." Dean groaned. "What about Sam?"

"Sam too…. He's still Lucifer vessel, he still has a part to play."

"Damn it Cas why did you tell me." Dean shouted turning his back on the angel and leaning over the sink.

"I just did Dean."

"I meant before now."

Castiel lifted his chin defiantly "You are not a hunter any longer. I did not think you would want to know."

"This is my brother we're talking about Cas!" he snapped.

Castiel's chin fell to his chest and he admitted his failing. "I was ashamed; I thought that my return would have been enough to restore my brothers' faith in God and then I could have convinced them that there is another way….. But it failed… I failed. - I'm an outcast still."

Dean looked at Cas behind him in the mirror, he could see the hurt in his friends eyes and his heart constricted. "Cas…. I'm sorry."

"For what Dean?" The angel raised his dark brow.

"For not being there. – I've been so determined to keep that promise to Sam that I've turned my back on everything and everyone. – I haven't spoken to Bobby in months. – And then there's you. After everything you've done for me and Sammy I should have been here for you when you needed me. – I'm sorry Cas."

Cas looked at Dean with those soft blue eyes, his heart racing in his chest. He reached out his hand and placed it on Dean's shoulder where he'd gripped him tight and bound them together. "It is alright Dean. – It is right for you to keep your promise to Sam. – I have kept mine."

A charge passed between them where flesh met flesh and Dean looked around to meet the man's eyes, they stood silently like that for a few moments before Dean spoke.

"Yours?"

Cas's hand dropped reluctantly away as he answered. "I made a promise to Sam too. He asked me to take care of you and Bobby and I have tried as best I can without intruding on your lives. I have kept an eye on you. I have help Bobby without his knowledge."

Dean thought back to all those times he had felt someone watching him. "That was you!"

"Of course."

"Damn it Cas… I thought there was something stalking the neighborhood, why didn't you just drop in and say something."

Cas was not going to tell him that it had hurt enough to watch from the wings without having to face the man knowing he didn't want him there. "I did not think that you would want to see me." He said honestly.

Dean ground his teeth, Cas had no idea how much he'd wanted to see him. That he'd been unable to get the angel out of his thoughts almost from the moment they'd parted ways. "You're my friend Cas." Dean sighed. "Of course I would want to see you."

Something passed over Castiel's face that Dean could have sworn was sadness. Like the word friend had hurt his feelings or something. "Cas…. We are friends." He insisted.

"Yes Dean." It was gone as quickly as it was there. Castiel's features took on the bland serenity that was so Cas.

The pair stood in silence for a while just looking at each other. Dean would expect a drawn out silence to feel uncomfortable, but it never was not between them. It wasn't the first time they'd done it. They could drive together for hours without saying a word and it didn't make for the uneasy trip people would have been expected.

Finally Dean broke the silence. "What are you going to do about Raphael, Cas?"

The angel shrugged and hung his head once more. "I do not know. – I fear that he will succeed in his plans. I fear that everything we have done to save humanity will be for nothing."

Right now Dean was having that exact same feeling. Castiel becoming an outcast among his own kind, Bobby ending up in that wheelchair – though he didn't stay there thanks to Crowley. – and Sammy taking a swan dive into the pit wasn't going to mean a thing if Raphael got his way.

"Do you have any idea what he's planning…. Any at all?"

Cas shook his head. "No…. All I know is he wants to finish what they started, but he doesn't have the power. Freeing Lucifer and Michael from the cage won't be easy, their extremely powerful and that cage was create to keep an archangel firmly contained. You saw what it took to open it the last time."

"Yeah, I'm not forgetting that in a hurry. – So he'll need a lot of power…. Like God power?"

Castiel sigh and nodded. "Yes."

"Well that's alright then, there's no way he can get that kind of power right?" Dean gave him a lopsided grin which quickly faded. "Cas….?"

"I do not know…. There is a – rumor. a story - that says there is a way, but I am not even sure if it is true?"

Dean didn't ask with words, he simply stared at Castiel until he got the hint.

"Souls." Was his only reply.

"What?"

"Human souls from purgatory…. If you drink them in you could become a god."

"What!" Dean stood gaping at Cas. "You mean he could make himself a god and then pop the box…"

"Yes."

Dean turned and kicked the cupboard door beneath the sink so hard it splintered. "Damn it! – That son of a bitch. – You know something Cas, I think I truly hate your family."

There was no reply except for an apology. "I'm sorry Dean. – I can promise you I'll do all I can to stop Raphael…. Anything."

Dean looked over his shoulder at Castiel and saw the determined anger that had become a part of him. That spark of humanity that told Dean he could always count on the man and smiled warmly at the knowledge.


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER NINE

"Dean?"

The men jumped and turned to see Lisa stood in the doorway with a confused and somewhat angry look on her face as she glanced between the two men. "Dean?"

"Lisa?"

The pair stood there staring at each other, a question in Lisa's up-turned gaze.

She recognized the guy in the trench-coat from his photo. The one Dean carried around with him and her heart stopped as he looked at her blankly, his eyes not betraying anything. Who was this guy? Why was he standing in her bathroom? She turned to question Dean and saw he was shirtless. Bile rose in her stomach, what had she walked in on? Her eyes closed in on Dean's exposed shoulder and before she knew what she was doing she was staring at the strangers' hand, Examining to see if it fit the mark, but unable to tell, though her gut was screaming that it would.

Her head was spinning. Her stomach clenched tighter than she'd ever felt it before. She could feel her hands shaking so much it was vibrating through her whole body.

"Dean?" she repeated, the word coming out with a taunt croaky edge.

"Lisa…." Dean began seeing the tears rimming her eyes. "What's wrong… Is Ben?"

Lisa looked at the stranger with angry eyes.

"Th- this is my…. Friend Cas." Dean introduced nervously.

Lisa looked at the angel doubtfully. "Friend?"

"Yes." Cas's said in a tone Dean had never heard before - at least not from Cas - and glare at him.

The room fell into an uncomfortable silence as the three of them stared at each other. Dean shifted on his still booted feet. Cas just fixed his gaze blindly in front of him. Lisa looked up at Dean with pain in her eyes as she faced what she'd hoped she had imagined.

She swallowed down a rock and forced herself to speak. "What is he doing here?"

Dean looked at Cas for a second and all Lisa's fears seemed to be confirmed as the man looked back.

"He just popped in to say hi." Dean replied with a smile on his face as he continued to look at Cas for a few more seconds before turning back to Lisa.

Her posture had quickly changed from surprise to anger. Her jaw set in a ridged line Dean did think he'd seen since the incident in the park with Ben three years ago. "You alright?"

"I think we need to talk."

"What about? – Is Ben alright?" Dean asked quick, fresh worry flooding him.

"Ben's fine." She glanced at Cas again. "Can we talk, _Alone_." She insisted.

Dean looked at Cas who was giving a brief small nod. He sensed he was about to disappear in the angelic way of his that drove Dean to distraction. _One minuet there, next minutes gone_. He didn't want Lisa to see that. It would lead to more question and so he shook his head subtly before putting his hand on Lisa's shoulder. "Why don't we go down stairs?"

Lisa shrugged it off angrily. "And what leave this stranger in our bathroom."

Dean frowned at Lisa's tone, not understand why she was so angry until it dawned on him that he was standing in a bathroom half dressed with another man. He felt heat race up the sides of his face.

Cas took his cue quickly and brushed silently past Lisa and strolled casually down the hall, Lisa watching after him. When he was gone she turned furious eyes on Dean and then came the barrage of questions.

"Who was that guy? – What is he doing here? - Why are you standing in the bathroom together?"

Then came two he wasn't expecting. "Why are you carrying a picture around of him? – Are you gay?"

Dean took a step back as if she'd physically struck him. That question had come so far out of left field that it knocked the wind clean out of him. He stared at her in silence, his hazel eyes wide.

Lisa didn't repeat the question, she didn't say anything, she simply turned on her heels and marched down the hall in the same direction as Cas had just gone.

Dean turned to pick up his discarded shirt and pulling it back over his head. Lisa's final question roared through his brain. _"Are you gay?"_ It seemed like an easy question to answer. A simple two letter word…. So why hadn't he said it.

With his sweat stain and smelly t-shirt coving his body once again he quickly went after Lisa to tell her that of course he wasn't gay, all the while wondering if that was the truth.

Dean found Lisa in the kitchen, stood silently by the fridge taking deep breaths.

"Lisa?"

She shook her head to indicate she didn't want to talk.

"Lisa…" he didn't know where to start. _I'm not gay would be good_ he thought. "I'm not gay." He repeated obediently.

Lisa turned doubtful red eyes on him. "I don't believe you."

"Come on, this is me…. Do I look gay to you… Sammy sure, but me?" that had been the first time he'd mentioned Sam since that first night here when he'd told her about Sam's death and asked her to give him a home. He hadn't brought him up since, hadn't confided in her about pain he was feeling, hadn't told her a thing. And if she ever tried to bring it up he changed the subject.

"Then who's the guy?"

"I told you, he's a friend." Dean insisted.

"A _friend_? – who's picture you carry around with you."

"That not what it looks like….." except maybe it was. "It fell out of my journal and I just haven't gotten around to putting it back." But he could have put it back the moment he'd seen it had fallen out, but he hadn't.

Then there was the fact that he'd gone in search of a picture of Cas in the first place. There was no way he could explain that to Lisa, hell he couldn't explain it to himself.

She raised another disbelieving brow. "Okay… so what were you _both_ doing in the bathroom?"

Now that one wasn't going to be easy to explain either and something told him that '_my best friend's an angel'_ wasn't going to swing, even if it was the truth. Lisa knew there were monsters out there, but would she believe in angels? Especially short scruffy one, with big loving blue eyes whose smile, rare as it was, was enough to light up the room. _Fuck it, stop that!_ He chided himself. The question really was did he want to tell her?

Of course, why wouldn't he? It wasn't like Cas was a secret. – Sam knew about him, Bobby knew about him, Ellen, Jo…. They were partially one big dysfunctional family….. At least they had been.

And then it suddenly occurred to Dean; as he stood there staring at an angry, hurt and confused face that he thought of himself as having two families. Two separate parts of his life. Kind of like that time he'd been attacked by a Dijinn and was shown what his life could have been. That was what this was. Two worlds so totally apart from one enough that they should never meet.

It wasn't that Dean didn't love Lisa and Ben… they were his family. They were just…. What his ideal was of a family, not the reality. And though he hated to admit it, cause he loved his life with them, he loved being a father, the fact was that everyone knew the fantasy never lived up to the reality…. Especially when your heart wasn't truly in it.

Dean wasn't here because he loved Lisa and Ben, he was here to fulfill his brothers dying wish, and because he'd been in a bad place directly after Sammy's death, and maybe he'd been wanting to run away from what his life had become. But in doing so, he'd found himself in a world here he seemed to be just existing.

He'd also - _maybe_ - been running away from Cas…. But he wasn't ready to deal with that right now.

"Dean? – I asked you a question." Lisa nudged forcefully, pulling Dean from his reflections.

"What?"

She let out an infuriated huff. "What were you doing in the bathroom, half naked with that guy?"

Dean frowned. "Talking!" he snapped returning her tone.

"Talking? In a bathroom?" she huffed again and turned away.

Dean hung his head, dragging his hand over his dry mouth, tightly closing his eyes as he realised that this was one of those fork in the road moments. The ones he hated because they always seemed to lead from one disaster to the next. He had to do what he'd done with that Dijinn world. Pick which was his reality and which was his fantasy. It was a difficult and heart shattering decision. One way or another people where going to get hurt. Lisa. Ben. Innocent civilians – if what Cas was saying about Raphael was true. – And then there was Cas himself.

He'd looked completely alone when he'd arrived. That subtle brightness that Dean had become used to was all but gone. He need help… he need someone to count on… he need him.

Dean felt his stomach clench. It was a simple choice in theory a hunters life or a normal life? Happiness or existence? Castiel or Lisa?


	10. Chapter 10

CHAPTER TEN

As he stood there weighing up that so-called simple decision, memories flash through his mind as if the two worlds fought for his soul. That weekend he'd first seen Lisa in a bar, with her tight jeans and top, leant over the pool table, her sweet yet seductive smile when she set eyes on him.

Castiel marching into an abandoned barn wearing what looked to be a tax accountant, in a bad suit and trench-coat, while he and Bobby fire round after round into him. The look in his innocent angelic eyes when he'd used Sammy's knife and the small smile when it had failed

That day Dean had arrived at Lisa's place eight years later to find her giving her son a birthday party and the ridiculous notion he had that the boy might be his.

The thousand and one times Dean had woken to find Castiel watching him sleeping. It should have been creepy and kind of was at first, but he'd gotten used to it.

The day when Dean had come across Ben in the park, where some chunky kid had _borrowed_ his game and wouldn't give it back. Dean had wanted to go and pummel the little jerk, but Ben wouldn't let him, so he'd told Ben just how to deal with it himself. It had worked and their bond was forged.

Another park, another day. Dean sat quietly on a bench watching the world turned after stopping Samhain. Castiel sat at his side telling him his deepest secret and their bond was made even stronger.

A hundred more images of good time with both Castiel and Lisa swamped his mind. But it wasn't only good time that made a relationship and a family it was the bad too.

And more memories flooded in, all centered on the angel who'd fort his way through hell to save him.

Cas sitting at his bedside after Alastair had beat him to a plump and told him his moment of weakness had been the key in bring on the end of the world. Cas had sat there, told him it was true in that non-judgmental way of his and then stayed while Dean had cried. Something he had rare even allowed Sammy to see.

Cas walking away from him after returning from bible camp telling him that he answered to heaven not him, what had hurt worse than what he had said was the cold distant looked he'd given him, so unlike the warm trusting one he'd come to love.

Their argument in the '_green room'_ when he'd hit Cas and almost broke his hand and the joy when Cas had chosen him over heaven.

More images and feelings wash through Dean in those brief minutes of contemplation.

The pain when Chuck had told him Cas had been smoked by the archangels and then the joy at seeing him again. Cas being at his side when he'd lost Ellen and Jo. Cas using what little power he had to take then back to the seventies to stop Anna and suffering painfully for it. Cas losing his faith in God and the how painful it had been to watch that once unwavering believe drain away, he's thrown away his pendant that day, even though it had meant so much to him, it had become a symbol of Cas's lost dreams and he couldn't bear to see it.

The night Cas had beaten seven bells out of him, though well deserved, it had left Dean unconscious for hours. Cas sacrificing himself to lord knows how many angel in order to save his half-brother Adam. The worry he didn't allow anyone to see when he hadn't heard from Cas in days and his relief when he'd finally called him.

The absolute horror and pain when he'd watched Lucifer snap Sam's fingers and blow the angel into ketchup. The surprise, comfort and painful joy held felt when Cas had returned yet again from oblivion to heal his physical wounds at least before resurrecting Bobby – who Lucifer had also killed.

Sam had made him promise to find Lisa and Ben, to live a normal life and be happy, but what if one didn't go with the other. What if that normal life Sammy wanted for him, didn't make him happy. Which was more important normality or happiness to Sam?

Because honestly Dean wasn't as happy in his normal apple-pie life as he was chasing down evil sons of bitches with his brother and angel at his side. And even though he was without his brother, he still had Cas, who seemed to need him almost as much as he need the angel.

Dean felt the warmth of tears sliding from beneath his lashes. He'd made his decision. It wasn't really that hard. Living a lie cause more harm than good and Dean wasn't in the business of causing harm. He was in the business of saving people and sometimes that meant himself. Taking a deep breath and swallowing back the tightness in his throat along with the tears, he turned to face Lisa, whose features mirrored his own.

"Your leaving aren't you?" she asked in a mournful little voice.

He didn't answer her straight away; he stood with one hand on the kitchen counter while the other brushed through his dark hair until he was sure he could speak without breaking up. "I – I think it's for the best. – I don't want to hurt you… any more than I am."

Lisa looked at him in complete devastation.

Finally she spoke; her voice tight and raw. "I – I knew you weren't happy here Dean….. but I thought it was because of your brother."

Dean wasn't going to tell her that Sammy was the reason he was there in the first place. This whole situation was hurtful enough. "I was… am happy with you Lisa. – I love you and Ben." He insisted.

She shook her head. "No – you don't."

Dean marched over to her and took her face in his hands. "Believe me, I do. – it's just…. This isn't my life… not the one I… need."

"You mean I'm not the person you need." There was a long pause before Lisa carried on. "You're going with… him, aren't you?"

Dean didn't confirm or deny that accusation. "There's some important stuff I need to sort out."

Lisa met his hazel stare with her dark one. "Don't lie to me Dean…. I think you've done that enough."

Dean frowned. "I've never lied to you Lisa." Maybe not told her everything, but he'd never lied.

"You said that when you pictured yourself happy it was with me…. wasn't that a lie."

Dean gave a full heavy sigh. "I meant it Lisa.." _at the time_. "… You and Ben and this house and this life are my idea of happiness…. It's just that it's not what makes me happy. I'm not the kind of person I thought I was…. I can't live a normal, soccer-dad, white picket fence, apple-pie, Sunday BBQ life… it's just not in me." His throat was closing up fast. He wasn't sure how much longer he was going to be able to hold it together.

"I see." Lisa said turning out of his hold. "Then you should leave."

"Lisa…."

"Just go Dean."

"What about Ben?" Dean asked he didn't want the boy hating him or have to feel like he'd abandoned him in some way. He thought of the boy as his son, whether or not they shared blood.

"I'll tell Ben…. Something…. He won't be back tonight anyway. He's staying at his friends."

"Can I write to him?"

"I don't think that would be a good idea Dean, it's best to just cut all ties….. It's not like he's your son."

Dean sucked in a breath at the woman's callus words, though he understood why she was angry and couldn't blame her. "Yeah…" he swallowed the rock in his throat. "… I – I'll go get my things together." Dean walked calmly out of the kitchen feeling like the worst man in existence. Lisa had given him a home when he'd need one. Shown him what it was like to have a family and he'd repaid her by trampling all over her heart. What kind of man had he become?


	11. Chapter 11

CHAPTER ELEVEN

It had taken less than thirty minutes to pack his cloths and the things he'd arrived with into a bag and return to the kitchen. Lisa was sat at the table pale skin and red eyes staring blankly into space and Dean felt like a complete bastard all over again.

She looked up and glared at him. "Is that everything?" she asked coldly.

"Just what I need… everything else… well you can do what you like with it, charity, garbage…"

"Bonfire." She finished resolutely and Dean nodded his head.

With the duffle bag in his left hand, Dean reaching into the back pocket of his jeans and pulled out an envelope, sliding it across the table towards Lisa. "For Ben… if you decide to give it to him."

"What is it?"

"A letter, saying goodbye and apologizing for having to leave so quickly."

"What did you tell him?" she asked more softly, running her fingers over Dean's rough penmanship.

"Nothing, I said you'd explain. – I just said that an emergency had called me away."

She looked up at him and saw the tears filling his eyes. She didn't think she'd ever seen him cry, she'd know he did, when he'd arrived his eyes were red and raw and swollen, but to actually see it was…. Disheartening.

"I see." She pushed the letter away and sat silently staring at the tabletop.

Dean shifted on his feet for a few minutes in silence. Trying to figure out what to say. Goodbye? Thank you? I love you? Unable to decide he choice silence and headed for the back door.

"Dean."

He turned swiftly. "Yes?"

"Just tell me something… honestly…"

"What?" his hand rested on the knob as he waited for her question.

She looked down again, shifted in her seat, took a few short breaths before looking him dead in the eye. "That guy… do you….. Love him?"

Dean's mouth fell open, his eyes were wide and his heart was pounding. He knew the answer he was meant to give. _Of course not._ But for some reason the words wouldn't leave his throat. He closed his mouth, swallowed and opened it again.

"Just tell me Dean. – I need to know."

Dean looked down at his feet, his mind spinning with the question. "Lisa, honestly…." He looked up and fixed her with his gaze. "I don't understand what I feel towards Cas… and that's the truth… He's my best friend in the whole world. He's seen me thought so much. We just work well together…. So I suppose …. Like a brother."

Lisa didn't believe that. She'd seen them together, the looks that passed between them. She watched the ease with which Dean had smiled… a proper smile… and all of it in only a single short meeting…. Or maybe she just wanted to believe that's what was going on here, because then it would have been either of their faults, it would have been just one of those things.

No… she knew what she knew.

"Dean…. It's alright if you love him…" she couldn't believe she was saying this. She was giving the man she loved permission to love someone else… another man. What was wrong with her? "Dean there's nothing to be ashamed of."

Dean shot up to his full height. "I'm not ashamed…. And I'm not gay."

Lisa felt herself smile despite her hurt and anger. "Dean…." She sighed and rolled her eyes. "You carry his picture in your pocket, you think about him all the time…"

"How did you…"

Her breath caught and she swallowed hard. "Lucky guess. – Beside I saw the way you looked at him up stairs, the smile you gave him, it was the same one I've seen pass across your face on and off over the last few weeks. I can only assume you were remembering something. – I knew you were thinking of someone else…. I just didn't expect for it to be…. Well him."

Dean hung his head guiltily, "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be. You can't help what you feel or who you love Dean, I understand that more than you think…" _because I love you_. She thought.

"I honestly don't consider myself gay." He said with a sigh. "But I can't control these feelings… I'm not even sure when they started."

"'Absence makes the heart grow fonder.' So they say." Lisa announced with a sad smile. "Maybe it was because he wasn't here that you were able to…" she had to swallow again to stop her throat closing up on her. "…sort out what those feeling were? – now you just have to find a way to deal with it."

_That's easier said than done_. Dean thought as he dropped the bag and marched over to Lisa, wrapping her in a bear-hug, fresh tears streaming down his face. "Thank you….." he kissed her sweetly. "I love you….. Goodbye."

Letting her go he left the house and headed for the garage, leaving a tearful Lisa to begin to put her life back together.


	12. Chapter 12

CHAPTER TWELVE

Dean stood in front of the dustsheet, looking at the curve of his baby beneath it. A desire filled smile spreading across his lips wiping away all thoughts of the heartbreaking scene that had just taken place inside the house.

He reached out a nervous hand to grip the course think woven material and pulled gentle. The fabric falling away from the glossy smooth body beneath. Dean breath caught in his throat at the sight. The line of her body as it was revealed. He reached out his fingers and brushed them gently across her top, their tips tingling at the feel of her cold metal.

He'd missed her so much it was on par with Sammy and Cas. She was his baby and he promised in a gentle whisper that he would never leave her again.

He spent a few more moments taking in her beauty before moving around behind her and popping the trunk. He gently lifted the carpeted false bottom and sighed at the sight, though it was empty, the wooden compartments and hooks made him smile. "You'll be full again soon baby, I promise. – as soon as we get to Bobby's – but I do have a few things that belong to you."

His words were soft and tender like a man to his lover. But then nobody saw Baby as he did. To other people she was just a plain, simple, if perfectly restored, 1967 Chevrolet Impala… but to Dean Winchester she was heaven.

He crouched down before the metal footlocker and pulled out the key once again, turning it. The padlock clicked and Dean didn't hesitate this time, but throw back the lid and began to empty the top tray. When every charm and talisman he'd kelp just in case was sitting back in their rightful place in Baby's trunk, he pulled the lid aside and smiled at the sight beneath. Reaching in, he pulled out his jacket. Standing he slid his armed inside and sighed with pleasure at the feel of the heavy leather. He knelt back down to retrieve the other item's he'd locked away for safe keeping. His silver hand gun. His lighter. His dad's journal… each one ceremonially returned to their true home.

There was one more thing it the locker. His journal. He reached down and lifted it free. Smiling wider as he pulled free the tongue and it fell open in his hand to the place he wanted it. Looking up at him a picture that should exist.

He moved his hand to his back pocket to retrieve the photos but as he went to return them to their place of safety, Dean flicked them open, looked at a pair of angelic innocent eyes, smiled and slid them back into his pocket before closing the journal and dropping it into the trunk.

With everything back where it was meant to be, Dean knew it was his turn. Opening the driver side door he slid happily into the seat and closed it behind him. Sighing once again with delight and whispering terms of endearment to the machine that had seen him through so much in his life. A car he had help choice before he was even born.

He gently pushed the key into the ignition and started her up. She revved first time and Dean's smile was as wide as it had ever been, the deep growl of her beautiful voice filling his ears as he pressed down of the accelerator, the pair moved off slowly out of the garage, away from the neighborhood and back to where they both belonged… the open road.

The open road. Asphalt. White lines. Open country. This was where Dean was happiest, though the moment was bitter sweet without Sammy. He kept looking over at the passenger seat expecting to see him and feeling a twinge of pain when he found it empty.

But it wouldn't stay that way he smiled to himself. He may have lost Sammy but he still had Cas. He would always have Cas, he knew that as sure as he how to ganck a werewolf.

Dean was grinning now, that silly lopsided grin he did when he was really happy and he was, for the first time in six months he was happy. – Well almost, there was one thing missing… a blue eyes nerd angel to ride shot gun.

With his hands gripping the steering wheel tight Dean sighed and said the name like a prayer. "Cas…. Get your feathery white ass down here."

Dean didn't even need to look to know Cas was in the seat next to him and he shifted a little more comfortably in his own as that feeling of peace and happiness finally settled inside him. Lisa's words were still playing in his mind. Her insistence that he did love the angel on his shoulder and maybe she was right, but Dean didn't want to deal with that right now, he just wanted to get on with killing as many evil sons of bitches as he possibly could, that was his life now… him, Cas and the open road.

'_Sorry Sammy'_. He prayed knowing his brother couldn't hear him, but hope he wouldn't hate him for the choice he'd made. Surely his happiness was what his kid brother wanted, and that was what he had now.

"Where are we going Dean?" Cas asked in that warm tone that made Dean smile.

"First stop Bobby's. I need to restock the trunk, then wherever we need to go, my little angel. Evil beware." He laughed; turning to look at Cas's who was staring at him, the passing car lights highlighting his strong jawline and full lips.

The pair's eyes met and something passed between them, an understanding that needed no words. Cas turned back to watch the road and Dean had to open his mouth to catch a breath, but he was smiling again, really smiling, because here was everything he loved.

_** The End **_


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